after leaving for college and being away from home, i've realized how important my mother is to me, and my whole family of course. but my mom is my best friend. and every day that i'm away i miss her more and more. and i think about all the shit we have been through, and how much i hate myself for treating her badly and putting her through so much crap. i just hope she knows how special she is to me, and how i don't know what i would do without her!
i'm also not sure what i'm going to do next semester, like if i even want to go back to iowa. i don't know if it's the place for me. i always thought i'd love being so far away from home, but i'm realizing that i need to be close to home. i feel so alone in iowa. sure, i have mike.. but that's really it. i'm usually alone pretty much all day. my room mate and one of my suitemates are both going home after the semester. so then if i stay i'm going to have a new room mate, which i don't want. me and sarah used to be close, but lately she's turned really cold. and her and erin are ALWAYS together, meaning erin is ALWAYS in my room. she sleeps in there every night. she moved like all of her stuff in. there is literally NO space to do anything in my room, i fucking hate it. i hate being in there. and i have no where to go if i just want to sleep, in the dark, sometime before midnight. erin and sarah and erin's boyfriend are all up in my room until atleast 3am everynight. and same with everyone in mike's room. i feel so alone and like i have no where to go and no one to go to.
and half of the time mike ends up wanting to smoke too. and i already told him that if he is smoking, don't ask me to hang out. because i honestly just can't deal with it. and even if he already asked me to hang out he'll still smoke sometimes, and then i'll leave. it hurts so much for him to pick it over me. he's like "can i call you in a little bit then to hang out?" and i'm always like sure whatever. but it just hurts my feelings so much and that's why i can't handle being around him when he smokes. besides, i'm not paying out of state tuition and putting myself into debt so that i can go here to go get fucked up all the time and not go to class. i got way too fucked up on too many things at the beginning of the year and i see where that's got me. i know i probably sound like such a party pooper lameass but i can't really even explain what i feel. it's just not where i want to be with my life right now.